??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
