I just threw up on my dentist
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
