Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
