I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
