We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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