This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
