I met the friendliest cop last night
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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