my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
