I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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