im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
