If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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