True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
