did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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