Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
