I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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