Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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