The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
