yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
