woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
