you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
