Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
