Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
