Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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