My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
