I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He's a Shit stain on my heart
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
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