Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
