So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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