i need an iv and a liver transplant
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
