An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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