I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
