i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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