I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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