On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Someone signed my nipple.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
