Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
