I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
