Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
