he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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