How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
