My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
