Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
