I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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