i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
