Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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