some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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