o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
