I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
