I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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