my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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