apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
