Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
