No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
